There is a slightly used breast pump in my closet if anyone wants it. It is slightly used because while no milk ever flowed through it, I did hook it up to my boobs twice in an attempt to extricate milk.
Maybe you've been in the same boat as me? Maybe you couldn't breastfeed for whatever reason and fed your baby formula? Maybe, sometimes, during August's National Breastfeeding Awareness Month you feel like you let your baby down, even as you roll your eyes over all those "Breast is Best" memes popping up in your Facebook news feed?
Maybe you need to read my story.
I didn't plan on feeding my baby formula. The plan was to breastfeed. I had collected a few baby bottles that I thought I would need for when I went back to work, but I hadn't sterilized them prior to the baby's arrival.
And why would I have? The plan was to breastfeed exclusively. Why would there be deviation from the plan?
Well, let's start with the in-hospital nursing experience. First, the baby had problems latching on to me. At one point, I thought she was on my nipple, but it turns out she was latched on incorrectly, and she ended up giving me a hickey!
Second, breastfeeding hurt! No matter how many times the nurses told me, “It shouldn't hurt” or “You need to relax”, IT FRICKIN' HURT! This was not helped by the fact that the nurses told me to nurse on one side for 40 minutes before switching sides, something that our pediatrician told me later was ridiculous. Maybe I should have read the part in the baby books about breastfeeding, but I mean, I just thought, “Hey, it's breastfeeding. It's natural! You just put the baby on the boob and you're done. What else is there to know?”
I also just assumed that every time the baby was latched on and sucking that she was getting something to eat. Again, we hear it all the time: breastfeeding is natural. So why wouldn't my body produce the necessary nourishment for my child?
But when the hospital pediatrician came in to check on the baby on our discharge day, he was concerned enough about the baby's weight loss to ask, “Is anything coming out?”
“Yes!” I said. “I mean, I think I saw something around her mouth. Maybe?”
We were instructed to supplement with formula, and boy oh boy, did that baby take to the bottle nipple!
And when you compared the protruding bottle nipple to my scabbed-over and sore nipples that seemed to invert out of horror at what I was trying to do to them, it was clear that the baby knew which one was going to give her what she wanted. Once home, she refused to latch on to me, instead choosing to drink exclusively from the pre-made bottles of formula that the hospital sent home with us.
So that's when I broke out the breast pump, thinking that I could just pump my milk (which I thought I could feel had definitely come in), and then I would feed the baby breastmilk from one of the many bottles I had collected while pregnant.
I did one round of pumping. Nothing. I did a second round of pumping. Not a drop.
The breast pump instructions said that if nothing came out after two tries, you should go see your doctor.
So that's what I did. Trying to not to cry over the phone, I made an appointment with the pediatrician to get his input. It wasn't that I was against formula. But there was something upsetting, especially to a hormonal postpartum woman, to not be able to feed your baby in the “natural” way. The “Breast is Best!" phrase kept playing through my head. Apparently, not all of us have “best” breasts.
“Well,” the pediatrician said at our appointment, “there's a long answer and a short answer. If you're okay with the short answer, we don't have to go into the long answer.”
“Okay, what's the short answer?”
“Give the baby formula.”
And with my pediatrician's blessing, that's exactly what I did.
I could have chosen “the long answer”, which would have involved meeting with a lactation consultant, but in the moment (the very hormonally emotional moment), all I wanted to do was feed my kid. If that meant formula, then so be it. And honestly, when I went back to work after eight weeks, the formula was so much more convenient than breastfeeding ever would have been. (I can't even imagine getting on a bus and commuting 2+ hours each way with my work stuff AND a breast pump, and having to wait until I got to work to pump, but then having to pump in the bathroom because, even though that's illegal in the state of New York, there was no other private place I could go.)
And it was so nice to be able to tag team the feeding duties with my husband, especially in the middle of the night.
In talking with other moms, I've come to see that I was not alone in my breastfeeding struggle, though it certainly seemed like I was while I was crying by myself in the nursery with my boobs hanging out and an empty breast pump in front of me. A 2013 study published in the journal Pediatrics surveyed 418 new mothers about breastfeeding and found that 92 percent of them were having trouble breastfeeding. That's crazy, right? How can something so natural be so hard?
So, for all the moms out there who are able to do it from day one, kudos to you!
For the moms out there who also had trouble, you're not alone! It seems it's more natural to have problems than not!
And for those first-time expectant mothers who are reading this, don't freak out if you also experience some breastfeeding trouble. Whether you go with “the long answer” or “the short answer”, that's all up to you. But if you need a breast pump, I have a slightly used one in my closet with your name on it!
Maybe you've been in the same boat as me? Maybe you couldn't breastfeed for whatever reason and fed your baby formula? Maybe, sometimes, during August's National Breastfeeding Awareness Month you feel like you let your baby down, even as you roll your eyes over all those "Breast is Best" memes popping up in your Facebook news feed?
Maybe you need to read my story.
I didn't plan on feeding my baby formula. The plan was to breastfeed. I had collected a few baby bottles that I thought I would need for when I went back to work, but I hadn't sterilized them prior to the baby's arrival.
And why would I have? The plan was to breastfeed exclusively. Why would there be deviation from the plan?
Well, let's start with the in-hospital nursing experience. First, the baby had problems latching on to me. At one point, I thought she was on my nipple, but it turns out she was latched on incorrectly, and she ended up giving me a hickey!
Second, breastfeeding hurt! No matter how many times the nurses told me, “It shouldn't hurt” or “You need to relax”, IT FRICKIN' HURT! This was not helped by the fact that the nurses told me to nurse on one side for 40 minutes before switching sides, something that our pediatrician told me later was ridiculous. Maybe I should have read the part in the baby books about breastfeeding, but I mean, I just thought, “Hey, it's breastfeeding. It's natural! You just put the baby on the boob and you're done. What else is there to know?”
I also just assumed that every time the baby was latched on and sucking that she was getting something to eat. Again, we hear it all the time: breastfeeding is natural. So why wouldn't my body produce the necessary nourishment for my child?
But when the hospital pediatrician came in to check on the baby on our discharge day, he was concerned enough about the baby's weight loss to ask, “Is anything coming out?”
“Yes!” I said. “I mean, I think I saw something around her mouth. Maybe?”
We were instructed to supplement with formula, and boy oh boy, did that baby take to the bottle nipple!
And when you compared the protruding bottle nipple to my scabbed-over and sore nipples that seemed to invert out of horror at what I was trying to do to them, it was clear that the baby knew which one was going to give her what she wanted. Once home, she refused to latch on to me, instead choosing to drink exclusively from the pre-made bottles of formula that the hospital sent home with us.
So that's when I broke out the breast pump, thinking that I could just pump my milk (which I thought I could feel had definitely come in), and then I would feed the baby breastmilk from one of the many bottles I had collected while pregnant.
I did one round of pumping. Nothing. I did a second round of pumping. Not a drop.
The breast pump instructions said that if nothing came out after two tries, you should go see your doctor.
So that's what I did. Trying to not to cry over the phone, I made an appointment with the pediatrician to get his input. It wasn't that I was against formula. But there was something upsetting, especially to a hormonal postpartum woman, to not be able to feed your baby in the “natural” way. The “Breast is Best!" phrase kept playing through my head. Apparently, not all of us have “best” breasts.
“Well,” the pediatrician said at our appointment, “there's a long answer and a short answer. If you're okay with the short answer, we don't have to go into the long answer.”
“Okay, what's the short answer?”
“Give the baby formula.”
And with my pediatrician's blessing, that's exactly what I did.
I could have chosen “the long answer”, which would have involved meeting with a lactation consultant, but in the moment (the very hormonally emotional moment), all I wanted to do was feed my kid. If that meant formula, then so be it. And honestly, when I went back to work after eight weeks, the formula was so much more convenient than breastfeeding ever would have been. (I can't even imagine getting on a bus and commuting 2+ hours each way with my work stuff AND a breast pump, and having to wait until I got to work to pump, but then having to pump in the bathroom because, even though that's illegal in the state of New York, there was no other private place I could go.)
And it was so nice to be able to tag team the feeding duties with my husband, especially in the middle of the night.
In talking with other moms, I've come to see that I was not alone in my breastfeeding struggle, though it certainly seemed like I was while I was crying by myself in the nursery with my boobs hanging out and an empty breast pump in front of me. A 2013 study published in the journal Pediatrics surveyed 418 new mothers about breastfeeding and found that 92 percent of them were having trouble breastfeeding. That's crazy, right? How can something so natural be so hard?
So, for all the moms out there who are able to do it from day one, kudos to you!
For the moms out there who also had trouble, you're not alone! It seems it's more natural to have problems than not!
And for those first-time expectant mothers who are reading this, don't freak out if you also experience some breastfeeding trouble. Whether you go with “the long answer” or “the short answer”, that's all up to you. But if you need a breast pump, I have a slightly used one in my closet with your name on it!
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